Trying to be a "Salty Mom"
July/10/10 Filed in: Relationship Evangelism | Cultural Tidbits
“You are the salt of the earth. But, if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? … Let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven.” Matthew 5:13,16
Trying to Be a “Salty” Mom
Recently, I (Alice) feel that I have been baptized with fire into the “do’s” and “don’ts” of forming relationships with Japanese mothers.
An old proverb in Japanese says, “The peg that sticks up will be hammered down.” In Japan, the harmony of the group is protected at all costs. Expressing a different opinion from the group brings discord and makes everyone feel uncomfortable.
This is even true of circles of moms with young children. There seems to be an invisible line of what you “should” and “shouldn’t” talk about when it comes to your family and your children.
Many mothers will often speak negatively about their husbands and children. Through this negativity, the moms in the circle feel “connected” and “affirmed.”
I have tried on many occasions to speak life into conversations like these.
When I say something positive about my family, I challenge the precious “harmony” of the mommy group. While my words may provoke other mothers to reflect, they also can make the moms feel uncomfortable.
For someone who struggles with a fear of rejection, it is sometimes a challenge for me to be the “peg” that stands out. Sometimes I want to shrink back, be quiet and just blend in.
An Opportunity to Be “Salt”
In Japan, the husband-wife relationship is secondary to the mother-child relationship. All of my Japanese friends sleep in separate rooms from their husbands. The mothers sleep with their children and their husbands have their own rooms. Romance among married couples is virtually non-existent.
Recently, a friend told me she and her husband never talk because he always comes home so late at night. She said, “We don’t like to be together, so I don’t mind if he is not around.”
Next, my friends turned to me and asked about Sean and me. I couldn’t help but feel sorry for these women who don’t like to be with their husbands! Prayerfully, I thought about what to say, knowing that my words would definitely cross over to the “things-you-aren’t-supposed-to-talk-about-at-the-playground” category!
I shared about how I love to be with Sean, and about how we talk several times a day on our cell phones. I shared how we try to have quality time together every night.
I could see the discomfort level rising with the other moms, but I continued… I shared how thankful I am that he is a good daddy and how much he helps out at home. Then, I shared how, when I met him, I thought he looked like Tom Cruise. But, now I think he is much better looking than Tom Cruise… and his heart is much more beautiful than any movie star!
One mom responded, “It’s getting hot in here!”
And, another mom responded, “Wow. Thanks for sharing! We need to remember how we used to feel about our husbands!”
Since that time, I don’t sense as much negativity when we all talk about our husbands. One friend actually told me that she and her husband have tried to implement “couch time” when her husband is home: time to sit and talk without the kids interrupting.
Please pray for me as I continue to try to be light in the darkness, or flavorful salt with my friends. I’m definitely going against the grain, and sometimes it is very lonely.
May the Lord make me “salty” so these women can see Jesus in our family and me.
Trying to Be a “Salty” Mom
Recently, I (Alice) feel that I have been baptized with fire into the “do’s” and “don’ts” of forming relationships with Japanese mothers.
An old proverb in Japanese says, “The peg that sticks up will be hammered down.” In Japan, the harmony of the group is protected at all costs. Expressing a different opinion from the group brings discord and makes everyone feel uncomfortable.
This is even true of circles of moms with young children. There seems to be an invisible line of what you “should” and “shouldn’t” talk about when it comes to your family and your children.
Many mothers will often speak negatively about their husbands and children. Through this negativity, the moms in the circle feel “connected” and “affirmed.”
I have tried on many occasions to speak life into conversations like these.
When I say something positive about my family, I challenge the precious “harmony” of the mommy group. While my words may provoke other mothers to reflect, they also can make the moms feel uncomfortable.
For someone who struggles with a fear of rejection, it is sometimes a challenge for me to be the “peg” that stands out. Sometimes I want to shrink back, be quiet and just blend in.
An Opportunity to Be “Salt”
In Japan, the husband-wife relationship is secondary to the mother-child relationship. All of my Japanese friends sleep in separate rooms from their husbands. The mothers sleep with their children and their husbands have their own rooms. Romance among married couples is virtually non-existent.
Recently, a friend told me she and her husband never talk because he always comes home so late at night. She said, “We don’t like to be together, so I don’t mind if he is not around.”
Next, my friends turned to me and asked about Sean and me. I couldn’t help but feel sorry for these women who don’t like to be with their husbands! Prayerfully, I thought about what to say, knowing that my words would definitely cross over to the “things-you-aren’t-supposed-to-talk-about-at-the-playground” category!
I shared about how I love to be with Sean, and about how we talk several times a day on our cell phones. I shared how we try to have quality time together every night.
I could see the discomfort level rising with the other moms, but I continued… I shared how thankful I am that he is a good daddy and how much he helps out at home. Then, I shared how, when I met him, I thought he looked like Tom Cruise. But, now I think he is much better looking than Tom Cruise… and his heart is much more beautiful than any movie star!
One mom responded, “It’s getting hot in here!”
And, another mom responded, “Wow. Thanks for sharing! We need to remember how we used to feel about our husbands!”
Since that time, I don’t sense as much negativity when we all talk about our husbands. One friend actually told me that she and her husband have tried to implement “couch time” when her husband is home: time to sit and talk without the kids interrupting.
Please pray for me as I continue to try to be light in the darkness, or flavorful salt with my friends. I’m definitely going against the grain, and sometimes it is very lonely.
May the Lord make me “salty” so these women can see Jesus in our family and me.